[Sorey lets that stew for a bit as Lailah continues. Weeds in a garden are inevitable; there isn't a single plot of treated land out there that won't get weeds. So he shouldn't concentrate so much on preventing weeds as he should controlling them? And learning to tell them apart from the good crop, if he wants to push the analogy further.
Lailah's feelings of inadequacy drift over, unfettered but not overwhelming, and Sorey has to stop himself from the kneejerk reaction of offering reassurance.
not your fault me it was me don't punish yourself too much going on i should have asked
Some of it might reach her anyway, but at least Sorey recognizes that denying her her own sense of responsibility isn't something he should do. Instead he mulls it over, allows her wisdom and her own disappointment in herself to drive home the lesson she's trying to give him now. That would be the best way to reassure her.]
So I- I can't concentrate on abolishing those feelings entirely. I need to concentrate on rooting them out as they begin to take hold. -and asking for help when it happens.
[Lailah senses it, but she does nothing. She doesn't burn it with her flames. Neither will she tell Sorey to deny those feelings. Lailah simply lets him feel it and some of what she herself is feeling. Sorey's resolve in the end is what makes her smile.]
Exactly. Your purity is important to us, yes, but that doesn't mean you should deny the emotions you feel. They're part of you and it's okay to feel them.
[Now she sends her reassurance. No matter what, Lailah will be there if Sorey ever needs to talk.]
[Right, because he's human. Lailah made that consistently clear; no matter what he's a human being, and no matter their intentions, the hearts of human beings are capable of producing malevolence.]
So with the Cardinal and Heldalf, does that mean they denied themselves those emotions too? They were just...overwhelmed?
[It's a good question he asks, and she takes a moment to think of her answer before replying.]
The Cardinal denied that what she was doing was wrong. Her love for her country and her sense of justice overrode everything else, to a point where she willingly excused her own atrocities to make them more 'just' in her mind. As for Heldalf...that's for you to decide.
[As always, Lailah's feelings on Heldalf are closed. The only thing that leaks through is a certain sadness, almost a mix of grief and guilt. Even though it's been years....]
[Because he has to come to his own answer regarding Heldalf, since he's his responsibility. He can't rely on Rose to do the hard things for him forever.
Sorey walks them into the shuttle bay; there's more room here, and it's colder next to the vacuum of space so he finds a crate for them to lean against as he gently coaxes forth a few flicker of flames to dance around their fingers. Not taking from Lailah; sharing, pointedly asking wordless permission before he summons another flame. Starting small. He's still nervous, still on the edge of shoving the control back squarely into her hands but her unwavering presence helps.
He can still remember how Mikleo had reacted when he'd forced the armatization apart, how hurt he'd been, how he'd reeled. He can't do that ever again, and especially not to Lailah.]
I don't want to be that...thing, ever again, [he confesses, voice small and kept between them instead of spoken aloud. He's barely begun to unpack his feelings regarding Mikleo. He's not sure he'll ever be capable of unraveling how he feels about being a Fallen Shepherd, no matter how safe Lailah makes him feel.] I can't stand that I hurt you. That I hurt all of you. I'm supposed to be your partner.
[Every time Sorey asks permission, she grants it, sharing her fire with him. In this, Lailah lets him go at his own pace. They're in no danger or else she'd be happy to control it for him until that danger passes. She knows he's not ready for that yet.
When he speaks again, the fire seraph listens. There's no pity. There's only understanding. Lailah doesn't know if any of the Shepherds who fell while under her guidance ever forgave her, but she's sure that they never wanted to be that which they were fighting.]
I know that, had you not been overtaken, you never would've caused any of us harm intentionally. It takes time and a lot of patience to heal these kinds of wounds.
[Unintentionally, she feels an echo of the pain of her fire being ripped from her soul, her very being. Their elements are as much a part of them as a body part. Yet, despite that, Lailah feels the urge to gently ruffle his hair with affection and she lets him sense that.]
This, too, is something that's okay to feel. What's hard is making sure it doesn't consume you. Sometimes, that may mean forcing yourself to confront it, or at least as much as you can take. But that also doesn't mean you have to do it alone. While we can't take the journey for you, you still have us for support.
[He can’t help the flinch at the memory of her pain, even though he can feel her intention to comfort right after that. He remembers one time when they’d finished quelling hellions and he’d done or said something to please Lailah (he thinks he’d made a pun) and she’d reached over to pat him on the head like a child. He hadn’t stopped glowing for hours, practically skipping through the caves until they’d reached the exit. Rose kept snorting at him.
He lets himself feel that now, even though he doesn’t feel he deserves it. Her feelings aren’t any less real and true just because he has yet to forgive himself.]
…I think that might be an issue with Zaveid.
[Sorey snaps their fingers again, balancing the flame right at the tips, watching it dance and sputter.]
…I need to talk to him about this. We haven’t spoken much besides that one time I talked to him in the clinic. I think…I think he’s a lot more hurt by what happened than he’s willing to let on.
[Lailah gives him a semblance of a nod. She harbors concern for their shirtless wind seraph, but getting him to talk about it is about as easy as getting Mikleo to willingly touch a dog. Still, she can't blame Zaveid for wanting to hide that from Sorey.]
Reach out to him, but let him come to you. I need to contact him myself soon enough.
[The seraph gives Sorey warning before she manipulates the flames into the shape of a phoenix. It flies around their hand and Lailah smiles a little.]
You'll both come back from this. Just take it one step at a time.
[Sorey gets a little lost in watching Lailah manipulate the flames, the phoenix she crafts swooping around their wrist, crawling between their fingers as if alive. His heart swells with affection for her, taking the time to help him overcome his fears, risking herself for everyone's sake.]
...Lailah, can I ask why you offered to make the pact with me again? Is it- ["something you ask everybody," but, she probably can't answer that. He keeps it to himself.]
[Lailah will always make the time to help Sorey. Even if it's something as simple as hanging out and talking about anything.]
Because you're still a young man fit to be the Shepherd.
[It's the simplest explanation in the world, but she elaborates on it. He deserves a full answer.]
A mistake was made somewhere, but does that make you a bad Shepherd? No, it doesn't. Do your feelings that led to your malevolence getting out of control make you a bad Shepherd? No, they don't even make you a bad person.
[She pauses for a moment.]
I must ask two questions of my own, however. Do you regret becoming the Shepherd? Do you, or did you, blame me?
[They're asked kindly and gently. Lailah sends Sorey an unwavering love and care for him regardless of his answers. Even if it's painful, they need transparency with each other now more than ever.]
[Sorey fiddles with their clothes, tracing their fingers over gold clasps and red threads that seem to flicker like firelight. He's under no illusions what might've given her that impression-
-but searching his heart now, there's no trace of it.]
I never blamed you. The hellion- [He clenches his jaw against the reflexive panic of trying to remember how he'd felt or thought, squeezing tightly to their chest their trembling fingers.] As a h-hellion, I was just...afraid. And-and ashamed.
Not regretful of becoming the Shepherd. ...ashamed I couldn't be different.
[Lailah's quiet, but doesn't let him suffer alone. Gently, she brings their other hand to rest on the one at their chest. Her feelings don't change, though. There's some sadness, yes, but it's because she knows that her help is limited when it comes to this. She wants to burn away his fear and shame, to purify it like they've done before, but she can't and won't do that. They're his feelings and he's free to feel them, even if they're painful.]
You wouldn't be the only human to have thought that.
[Even Michael had seemed ashamed when he left her, though she keeps that thought as far away from Sorey as she can. Still, her feelings make it clear that by 'human' she means 'Shepherd.']
That you're trying again makes you different, Sorey. And...I'm just glad that you could still be purified.
[Lailah sounds like she's choking up a little at that last sentence. She tries to keep her relief and anguish from Sorey, almost like she's curling in a protective ball around those emotions. It still hurts to think that she could've lost someone she's come to see as family.]
I know, I know, Lailah... [They're both hurting and both trying to comfort each other at the same time. It's making for a very emotional feedback loop, and though Lailah is much better at hiding her emotions than Sorey is, he still feels every hint of her grief acutely. He'd almost made her go through that again. She did go through it...with Mikleo.
Even though Sorey's resolved to live on without him, it's still so hard, too hard, sometimes. Their combined sorrow over the loss of Mikleo is too much to endure and he ends up sinking back further into Lailah's consciousness, their body slumping to the ground and curling up protectively as Sorey both tries to offer comfort and take it.]
I'm sorry. It's going to be hard, because of me. I'm going to rely on you so much, more than ever...I wanted to ease your burden, not add to it.
You're not a burden, Sorey. You never have been and never will be.
[...Okay, maybe her tone is a touch fiercer than she intends it to be, and she does send a wordless apology for that. However, she doesn't take back her words. Lailah means them with all her heart.
The seraph embraces Sorey's soul with the warmth of her fire. She appreciates the comfort he's trying to provide her, but she'll give him more comfort than she'll ever ask to receive. After all, Lailah's had to cope by herself more often than not. If she can, she'll spare Sorey that same suffering.]
I'm sorry. What I'm feeling...really isn't helping you.
No- [Sorey shakes their head into their arms, voice fading back into their head.] You shouldn't apologize for that. They're your true feelings.
[And she deserves to feel them, regardless of whether or not they're together right now. No- even moreso, because of it.] We're in this together, right Lailah? You and me?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action
[Sorey lets that stew for a bit as Lailah continues. Weeds in a garden are inevitable; there isn't a single plot of treated land out there that won't get weeds. So he shouldn't concentrate so much on preventing weeds as he should controlling them? And learning to tell them apart from the good crop, if he wants to push the analogy further.
Lailah's feelings of inadequacy drift over, unfettered but not overwhelming, and Sorey has to stop himself from the kneejerk reaction of offering reassurance.
not your fault
me it was me
don't punish yourself
too much going on
i should have asked
Some of it might reach her anyway, but at least Sorey recognizes that denying her her own sense of responsibility isn't something he should do. Instead he mulls it over, allows her wisdom and her own disappointment in herself to drive home the lesson she's trying to give him now. That would be the best way to reassure her.]
So I- I can't concentrate on abolishing those feelings entirely. I need to concentrate on rooting them out as they begin to take hold. -and asking for help when it happens.
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Exactly. Your purity is important to us, yes, but that doesn't mean you should deny the emotions you feel. They're part of you and it's okay to feel them.
[Now she sends her reassurance. No matter what, Lailah will be there if Sorey ever needs to talk.]
action
So with the Cardinal and Heldalf, does that mean they denied themselves those emotions too? They were just...overwhelmed?
action
The Cardinal denied that what she was doing was wrong. Her love for her country and her sense of justice overrode everything else, to a point where she willingly excused her own atrocities to make them more 'just' in her mind. As for Heldalf...that's for you to decide.
[As always, Lailah's feelings on Heldalf are closed. The only thing that leaks through is a certain sadness, almost a mix of grief and guilt. Even though it's been years....]
action
Sorey walks them into the shuttle bay; there's more room here, and it's colder next to the vacuum of space so he finds a crate for them to lean against as he gently coaxes forth a few flicker of flames to dance around their fingers. Not taking from Lailah; sharing, pointedly asking wordless permission before he summons another flame. Starting small. He's still nervous, still on the edge of shoving the control back squarely into her hands but her unwavering presence helps.
He can still remember how Mikleo had reacted when he'd forced the armatization apart, how hurt he'd been, how he'd reeled. He can't do that ever again, and especially not to Lailah.]
I don't want to be that...thing, ever again, [he confesses, voice small and kept between them instead of spoken aloud. He's barely begun to unpack his feelings regarding Mikleo. He's not sure he'll ever be capable of unraveling how he feels about being a Fallen Shepherd, no matter how safe Lailah makes him feel.] I can't stand that I hurt you. That I hurt all of you. I'm supposed to be your partner.
action
When he speaks again, the fire seraph listens. There's no pity. There's only understanding. Lailah doesn't know if any of the Shepherds who fell while under her guidance ever forgave her, but she's sure that they never wanted to be that which they were fighting.]
I know that, had you not been overtaken, you never would've caused any of us harm intentionally. It takes time and a lot of patience to heal these kinds of wounds.
[Unintentionally, she feels an echo of the pain of her fire being ripped from her soul, her very being. Their elements are as much a part of them as a body part. Yet, despite that, Lailah feels the urge to gently ruffle his hair with affection and she lets him sense that.]
This, too, is something that's okay to feel. What's hard is making sure it doesn't consume you. Sometimes, that may mean forcing yourself to confront it, or at least as much as you can take. But that also doesn't mean you have to do it alone. While we can't take the journey for you, you still have us for support.
Re: action
He lets himself feel that now, even though he doesn’t feel he deserves it. Her feelings aren’t any less real and true just because he has yet to forgive himself.]
…I think that might be an issue with Zaveid.
[Sorey snaps their fingers again, balancing the flame right at the tips, watching it dance and sputter.]
…I need to talk to him about this. We haven’t spoken much besides that one time I talked to him in the clinic. I think…I think he’s a lot more hurt by what happened than he’s willing to let on.
action
Reach out to him, but let him come to you. I need to contact him myself soon enough.
[The seraph gives Sorey warning before she manipulates the flames into the shape of a phoenix. It flies around their hand and Lailah smiles a little.]
You'll both come back from this. Just take it one step at a time.
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...Lailah, can I ask why you offered to make the pact with me again? Is it- ["something you ask everybody," but, she probably can't answer that. He keeps it to himself.]
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Because you're still a young man fit to be the Shepherd.
[It's the simplest explanation in the world, but she elaborates on it. He deserves a full answer.]
A mistake was made somewhere, but does that make you a bad Shepherd? No, it doesn't. Do your feelings that led to your malevolence getting out of control make you a bad Shepherd? No, they don't even make you a bad person.
[She pauses for a moment.]
I must ask two questions of my own, however. Do you regret becoming the Shepherd? Do you, or did you, blame me?
[They're asked kindly and gently. Lailah sends Sorey an unwavering love and care for him regardless of his answers. Even if it's painful, they need transparency with each other now more than ever.]
Re: action
[Sorey fiddles with their clothes, tracing their fingers over gold clasps and red threads that seem to flicker like firelight. He's under no illusions what might've given her that impression-
I̲̠̥͙̗̻̘ͬ̒ͧ͐ͩͮ ̤ͮͤ͋̐S̮͈ͨW̗̰͈̑ͣͧ́Ô̗̘͇͖̅R̫̳̰͇Ë̯̪̘ ̩̫̺̦̖̪m͚̠͍͍̮͎̚yͩ̃s̫̖̲e͔̼͓͍͚̝l͈̼͈̙͚͎̉̾̏͋f̹̦̞̳̳̅̽ ͥͦͣ͑ͮ̅t̫͎͔̣̓͛͐̔̐̎͗ö̱̣́ ͂͗̾y̤o̝̖̘͌͛ͨ̎u͚̗̭̙̱̇̍ͅ!͊̈́ͣ͊̚
-but searching his heart now, there's no trace of it.]
I never blamed you. The hellion- [He clenches his jaw against the reflexive panic of trying to remember how he'd felt or thought, squeezing tightly to their chest their trembling fingers.] As a h-hellion, I was just...afraid. And-and ashamed.
Not regretful of becoming the Shepherd. ...ashamed I couldn't be different.
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You wouldn't be the only human to have thought that.
[Even Michael had seemed ashamed when he left her, though she keeps that thought as far away from Sorey as she can. Still, her feelings make it clear that by 'human' she means 'Shepherd.']
That you're trying again makes you different, Sorey. And...I'm just glad that you could still be purified.
[Lailah sounds like she's choking up a little at that last sentence. She tries to keep her relief and anguish from Sorey, almost like she's curling in a protective ball around those emotions. It still hurts to think that she could've lost someone she's come to see as family.]
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Even though Sorey's resolved to live on without him, it's still so hard, too hard, sometimes. Their combined sorrow over the loss of Mikleo is too much to endure and he ends up sinking back further into Lailah's consciousness, their body slumping to the ground and curling up protectively as Sorey both tries to offer comfort and take it.]
I'm sorry. It's going to be hard, because of me. I'm going to rely on you so much, more than ever...I wanted to ease your burden, not add to it.
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[...Okay, maybe her tone is a touch fiercer than she intends it to be, and she does send a wordless apology for that. However, she doesn't take back her words. Lailah means them with all her heart.
The seraph embraces Sorey's soul with the warmth of her fire. She appreciates the comfort he's trying to provide her, but she'll give him more comfort than she'll ever ask to receive. After all, Lailah's had to cope by herself more often than not. If she can, she'll spare Sorey that same suffering.]
I'm sorry. What I'm feeling...really isn't helping you.
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[And she deserves to feel them, regardless of whether or not they're together right now. No- even moreso, because of it.] We're in this together, right Lailah? You and me?