[The fire seraph is silent as Sorey speaks his heart to her. When he's finished, she bows her head for a second.]
Then it's a change we can work on together. However, while I'm here, I have no intention of letting you lose sight of what's important. It's extremely difficult to handle alone, especially for someone with a kind heart like yours, but I'm sure that you're well aware of that by now.
[Her tone is kind and gentle as she says that last part. Lailah then holds out the finished flower to Sorey with a cheerful expression.]
Just as I make sure you don't lose yourself, you do the same for me, too. It's not as overt, but it's being part of the lives of people like you that make my job worth everything.
[Sorey is not without his fears and reservations, but those aren't going to go away overnight. More than not being afraid or unsure, he should acknowledge that he is. He should allow himself to be weak, open-faced and in front of others, no matter how terrifying it is. That's part of being a Shepherd, and it's something he's realized far too late: not always remaining pure and strong under his own power, but allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of not just his friends, but everyone.
Playing at being strong isn't strength. Playing at being strong is what led him to his Fall...what led to Mikleo's death. It had come from a place of wanting to protect, wanting to save, but as pure as his motivations had been they'd been twisted by his methods. Like Cardinal Forton...like Heldalf.
He's not above them. He's no different from either of them; he was just fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who love and support him. He was fortunate enough to have Allen here, with his own powers of purification, more powerful than Sorey's self-loathing and terror.
He...had Mikleo.
Sorey turns the lotus gently in his hands before nodding firmly.]
Okay. Then...please, Lailah. I would be honored if you would once again take me on as your Shepherd. And... [He looks up at her, exhausted, expression open and vulnerable but finally, after almost two weeks of despondency, there is buried deep beneath his grief a spark of hope for the future.] I'll do everything I can to be worthy of the trust you've shown me.
[Lailah smiles as she reaches out to touch his hand. The symbol of the Shepherd glows briefly on the back of his hand as she recites the pact. The seraph takes her hand away after and scoots off the bed so that she's standing next to Sorey, offering her hand to help him up.]
Before I go find Dezel, I'd like for you to do one thing for me.
[What she asks is going to be very hard for him, but it's also necessary.]
I trust you, Sorey, but you also need to learn to trust yourself again, too. As such, I'd like for you to call on my true name.
[Lailah has no doubt that there'll come a time when Sorey needs to armatize. In that case, he can't afford to hesitate calling on any of them. He must be able to rely on or trust at least one of them, and Lailah will be glad to take that job until he's ready for the others.]
Auuuugh. [Sorey takes her hand and climbs up to his feet, clutching the lotus gently to his chest.] I thought you might ask me to do that... [Lailah was always very impressed with his progress and eager to see if he could do all the neat Shepherd things. And it makes sense that she'd want to test this sort of thing first, before he attempted it with any others, but. Still.
His memory is foggy, but he remembers. He remembers Mikleo forcing armatization to save the others, he remembers it burning and twisting before they'd split apart.
He remembers reaching for Zaveid, he remembers the look on his face as he uttered the first word of his True Name. He'd been hungry when he'd done it; starving, desperate for company, for anything to fill that crumbling void inside of him, but looking back on it now just fills him with panic and dread. Nevermind Zaveid, just thinking about saying Lailah's name and perverting her with his weakness is terrifying.]
[Lailah's lack of fear is really helping to reassure him, and he knows she's right. When he'd thought about this he'd been careful, thorough; he couldn't possibly expect to retake the mantle of the Shepherd without accepting everything it encompassed. Individual pacts with Dezel and Zaveid aside, Sorey knew he would have to jump in feet-first with Lailah, to prove himself, and to prove he trusts her.
He doesn't think he'll stop hearing the echoes of her screams in his head, though. The way she'd sounded when he'd ripped her fire away from her, the way he wanted to pull her into himself and devour her whole. But that's not going to go away. Those memories aren't going to simply vanish.
It doesn't stop his fingers from quaking as he traces the paper petals of the flower in his hand, searching for his courage and coming up empty. And he can feel it now; the Shepherd's pact has made its way back home like a brand on his soul and he can see the wisps of malevolence around them. The Fleet really is painted with it.]
...I trust you. I trust you. [He does. He trusts Lailah with every stitch of his being. Lailah, unwavering in her support, a pillar upon which Sorey's sure the world itself could balance, it's so strong. Mikleo's absence is still a terrible wound, raw and still bleeding, but Sorey knows that at the very least, with Lailah, his feelings are safe.]
Fethmus Mioma, [Sorey whispers, closing his eyes as the rush of warmth and power tingles all the way down to his fingers, his toes. Where they would share the power and occupy the same body, Sorey falls back and gives every last bit of control to Lailah. Just- just for a moment. Just to reassure himself, to show that he can. That he won't try to take her over. It's as much a reassurance for her as it is for him; no, it's more for him than anything. He can't simply trust himself wholly yet, not when there's so much yet to prove.]
[Lailah won't forget the terrible pain Sorey put her through as a hellion, but she's had more than a few years to be able to find ways to disassociate a Shepherd from their hellionized self. It helps her cope, and to remind her that malevolence only exaggerates and exacerbates a person's true feelings. In so many cases, it's been the only way she's been able to go through with taking care of former, fallen Shepherds under her guidance.
The fire seraph has been in Atlas's shoes before, and will likely continue to hold up the sky for others. Its weight has fractured her at times, but she's learned from those fractures just how much she can handle on her own and how much she can safely share with others in her pact. For Sorey, Lailah knows that she needs to put some of his burden back onto her until he's ready to reclaim it.
She answers his call immediately, no hesitation whatsoever. The seraph merges with his body, but she feels him handing total control over to her. Only for one second does she allow it before stepping back so that they're equal in control. No matter what, this power isn't meant for complete control from one party. Not to Lailah, at least.]
Now, then. Let's take a stroll, shall we?
[It's been a human lifetime since Lailah has armatized with Sorey. She needs to get used to the feeling a little bit. More than that, he needs some more time with it to have a reassurance that it's okay. That he's okay.]
[Their fingers caress the petals carefully as Sorey finally submits, and assumes the usual psuedo-control he always has during armatization. The parallels between when he'd made up with Mikleo and armatized and now aren't lost on him, and he's sure that Lailah won't miss the pang of heartache and loss considering he's not trying to hide it from her.
The metal of the ship warms as they walk slowly down the hall together, just enough enough to chase away the chill and Sorey concentrates on this feeling of sharing and reassuring himself. With armatization comes a deeper understanding; Lailah's desire to protect him, her yearning for something that has been out of her grasp for so long, a confusing jumble of things he doesn't know or understand but refuses to pry out of her.
Still, he can't miss that nostalgia. It seems like it's impossible for him to armatize without seeking to comfort. It's a bad habit, one he should break himself of as soon as possible, but...]
You're from further along, aren't you? [He doesn't ask it expecting an answer; he's getting that feeling. Her sense of loss isn't the same sharp kind as her sorrow for Mikleo, her guilt for his Fall. It's different, aged, tempered but not quite. It feels like...] Rose?
[The heartache is sharp, but Lailah doesn't mind it. He needs to feel it and learn from it. She won't take that away from him. It's enough to share her own feelings of sorrow and loss, to give him camaraderie.
Yet, it doesn't alleviate the guilt she still feels, though it's been fading away the past two weeks.
Lailah's quiet for a moment at Sorey's question. She's suspected that there might be a time discrepancy between everyone in the group, but now he's confirmed it with his question.]
I am. From the time I'm at, Rose had lived a full life.
[Still, the fire seraph appreciates his attempt to comfort. They're friends, and she's mourning the loss of one of their own. It's only right.]
I see. [There are some implications that come with that, but Sorey's not going to ask about them. Moreover he's relieved; there was always a chance that the Shepherd's journey would end with at least some of them dead, but if Rose lived a long life then that means they must have succeeded at least in part. Or she left to pursue her own purposes, and lived until old age. Sorey really couldn't ask for anything more than that.] I'm so happy to hear it.
[More accustomed to loss, he'd said, and he feels the foolishness of his statement between them now. Lailah must have seen many of her human companions live and die this way, and others. Even if a human lives a long life, it still won't equal to more than a fraction of her own.] Lailah, you were with her at the end?
[Though she doesn't have a corporeal form at the moment, Lailah's smiling softly. The fire seraph is always glad when she can say that her human friends have lived a full life. The Shepherd's journey is never a guarantee, ending in an early death more often than not.]
Yes. She was comfortable, and she passed in her sleep. I was at her funeral before I arrived here.
[Needless to say, she's been on an emotional roller coaster and is glad for the peace to properly grieve. Though, despite that, Lailah still prioritizes the needs of her friends over her own. They need her strength more.]
[Lailah's smile is like a blanket draped around his shoulders and Sorey has to stop, close his eyes and press a hand against a wall as he soaks up its warmth. He'd gone months without this; he'd gone longer without this than he'd even known her. Even though he's still frightened, even though he's ashamed and terrified for her, more than these, more than anything, Sorey is so desperately grateful to have this again.
Armatizing with Lailah is knowing that no matter what happens, your soul is safe.]
I'm glad, [Sorey chokes out, and reaches up to rub at their eyes, embarrassed of his tears. The gratitude he'd been searching for for the past two weeks finally sparks, burns up from the inside at the news that Rose lived long and wonderfully, that she had Lailah with her at the end, that Lailah had as much time with their friend as she could have possibly managed. When he was last home those things were all so rare, so to hear Rose had them-] I'm so glad. Thank you, Lailah.
[Not just for Rose. Not just for reinstating the pact. Not just for saving everyone else, for saving him, for letting him go to Mikleo, for protecting him, for not giving up on him, for loving and trusting him when he can't love and trust himself-] Thank you so much...!
[When Sorey stops to lean against the wall, she sends more warmth and love and affection his way. While she's here and armatized with him, she'll shield his soul from any outside force that tries to harm it. She meets his fear and shame with love and acceptance. Sorey made a mistake, but that doesn't mean he can't learn from it nor that she'll love him any less.
The fire seraph envelops Sorey's soul with the warm fire found in a hearth at home. There's never a raging inferno for him. There's nothing he can do to make her want to do that to him. The hearth and home are for her Shepherds always and forever.]
Thank you, Sorey. I'm very proud of you.
[For so many reasons, even after all that's transpired here. That feeling of pride won't change, and, in time, she hopes that Sorey can feel proud of his accomplishments, too.]
[Time is definitely the biggest factor here. Even the idea of feeling anything akin to pride again is nearly insurmountable, but Sorey doesn't have to think about that now. He decided all on his own to take on the Shepherd's pact once again, despite what had happened and what he'd done, and he has a responsibility to see that through. And it's not a bad thing, either.
Though, there is something he'd like to touch upon while they're together like this, merged in a way that makes it easier to feel the intent behind her words. Lailah was never unclear, none of his friends ever were, but sometimes just that little big of closeness can make all the difference.]
Lailah...what did you mean by teaching me to manage my personal malevolence? [He thought there was like, a general ban on anything like that at all. The second he starts generating malevolence, it's all over, right?]
[Lailah doesn't mind that. It makes it a little easier for him to understand what she's trying to say. Their hearts are mostly laid bare to each other while armatized, after all. And this is an answer that needs to be understood.]
It would be unreasonable to hold you to a standard of maintaining perfect purity for years at a time. You'll feel anger, despair, hatred, and other emotions that can feed into malevolence if left unaddressed. By finding ways to deal with persistent emotions, you're less likely to be tainted.
[Hm, an analogy may be necessary to better explain herself.]
It's like maintaining a garden. By dealing with the weeds as they crop up, you can keep your garden from being overrun or choked by them. My intent was to let you find out your own ways of coping, but there are just some weeds that can't be pulled out by your bare hands. Sometimes you need to use a shovel to help dig it out by the root.
[The fire seraph falls silent afterwards. Sorey may get a sense of failure from her. She hasn't been able to teach him how to do that, mostly because it hasn't come up before. When she speaks up again, her voice is gentle and kind:]
Even a seraph isn't immune to such feelings, as you can no doubt tell.
[Sorey lets that stew for a bit as Lailah continues. Weeds in a garden are inevitable; there isn't a single plot of treated land out there that won't get weeds. So he shouldn't concentrate so much on preventing weeds as he should controlling them? And learning to tell them apart from the good crop, if he wants to push the analogy further.
Lailah's feelings of inadequacy drift over, unfettered but not overwhelming, and Sorey has to stop himself from the kneejerk reaction of offering reassurance.
not your fault me it was me don't punish yourself too much going on i should have asked
Some of it might reach her anyway, but at least Sorey recognizes that denying her her own sense of responsibility isn't something he should do. Instead he mulls it over, allows her wisdom and her own disappointment in herself to drive home the lesson she's trying to give him now. That would be the best way to reassure her.]
So I- I can't concentrate on abolishing those feelings entirely. I need to concentrate on rooting them out as they begin to take hold. -and asking for help when it happens.
[Lailah senses it, but she does nothing. She doesn't burn it with her flames. Neither will she tell Sorey to deny those feelings. Lailah simply lets him feel it and some of what she herself is feeling. Sorey's resolve in the end is what makes her smile.]
Exactly. Your purity is important to us, yes, but that doesn't mean you should deny the emotions you feel. They're part of you and it's okay to feel them.
[Now she sends her reassurance. No matter what, Lailah will be there if Sorey ever needs to talk.]
[Right, because he's human. Lailah made that consistently clear; no matter what he's a human being, and no matter their intentions, the hearts of human beings are capable of producing malevolence.]
So with the Cardinal and Heldalf, does that mean they denied themselves those emotions too? They were just...overwhelmed?
[It's a good question he asks, and she takes a moment to think of her answer before replying.]
The Cardinal denied that what she was doing was wrong. Her love for her country and her sense of justice overrode everything else, to a point where she willingly excused her own atrocities to make them more 'just' in her mind. As for Heldalf...that's for you to decide.
[As always, Lailah's feelings on Heldalf are closed. The only thing that leaks through is a certain sadness, almost a mix of grief and guilt. Even though it's been years....]
[Because he has to come to his own answer regarding Heldalf, since he's his responsibility. He can't rely on Rose to do the hard things for him forever.
Sorey walks them into the shuttle bay; there's more room here, and it's colder next to the vacuum of space so he finds a crate for them to lean against as he gently coaxes forth a few flicker of flames to dance around their fingers. Not taking from Lailah; sharing, pointedly asking wordless permission before he summons another flame. Starting small. He's still nervous, still on the edge of shoving the control back squarely into her hands but her unwavering presence helps.
He can still remember how Mikleo had reacted when he'd forced the armatization apart, how hurt he'd been, how he'd reeled. He can't do that ever again, and especially not to Lailah.]
I don't want to be that...thing, ever again, [he confesses, voice small and kept between them instead of spoken aloud. He's barely begun to unpack his feelings regarding Mikleo. He's not sure he'll ever be capable of unraveling how he feels about being a Fallen Shepherd, no matter how safe Lailah makes him feel.] I can't stand that I hurt you. That I hurt all of you. I'm supposed to be your partner.
[Every time Sorey asks permission, she grants it, sharing her fire with him. In this, Lailah lets him go at his own pace. They're in no danger or else she'd be happy to control it for him until that danger passes. She knows he's not ready for that yet.
When he speaks again, the fire seraph listens. There's no pity. There's only understanding. Lailah doesn't know if any of the Shepherds who fell while under her guidance ever forgave her, but she's sure that they never wanted to be that which they were fighting.]
I know that, had you not been overtaken, you never would've caused any of us harm intentionally. It takes time and a lot of patience to heal these kinds of wounds.
[Unintentionally, she feels an echo of the pain of her fire being ripped from her soul, her very being. Their elements are as much a part of them as a body part. Yet, despite that, Lailah feels the urge to gently ruffle his hair with affection and she lets him sense that.]
This, too, is something that's okay to feel. What's hard is making sure it doesn't consume you. Sometimes, that may mean forcing yourself to confront it, or at least as much as you can take. But that also doesn't mean you have to do it alone. While we can't take the journey for you, you still have us for support.
[He can’t help the flinch at the memory of her pain, even though he can feel her intention to comfort right after that. He remembers one time when they’d finished quelling hellions and he’d done or said something to please Lailah (he thinks he’d made a pun) and she’d reached over to pat him on the head like a child. He hadn’t stopped glowing for hours, practically skipping through the caves until they’d reached the exit. Rose kept snorting at him.
He lets himself feel that now, even though he doesn’t feel he deserves it. Her feelings aren’t any less real and true just because he has yet to forgive himself.]
…I think that might be an issue with Zaveid.
[Sorey snaps their fingers again, balancing the flame right at the tips, watching it dance and sputter.]
…I need to talk to him about this. We haven’t spoken much besides that one time I talked to him in the clinic. I think…I think he’s a lot more hurt by what happened than he’s willing to let on.
[Lailah gives him a semblance of a nod. She harbors concern for their shirtless wind seraph, but getting him to talk about it is about as easy as getting Mikleo to willingly touch a dog. Still, she can't blame Zaveid for wanting to hide that from Sorey.]
Reach out to him, but let him come to you. I need to contact him myself soon enough.
[The seraph gives Sorey warning before she manipulates the flames into the shape of a phoenix. It flies around their hand and Lailah smiles a little.]
You'll both come back from this. Just take it one step at a time.
[Sorey gets a little lost in watching Lailah manipulate the flames, the phoenix she crafts swooping around their wrist, crawling between their fingers as if alive. His heart swells with affection for her, taking the time to help him overcome his fears, risking herself for everyone's sake.]
...Lailah, can I ask why you offered to make the pact with me again? Is it- ["something you ask everybody," but, she probably can't answer that. He keeps it to himself.]
[Lailah will always make the time to help Sorey. Even if it's something as simple as hanging out and talking about anything.]
Because you're still a young man fit to be the Shepherd.
[It's the simplest explanation in the world, but she elaborates on it. He deserves a full answer.]
A mistake was made somewhere, but does that make you a bad Shepherd? No, it doesn't. Do your feelings that led to your malevolence getting out of control make you a bad Shepherd? No, they don't even make you a bad person.
[She pauses for a moment.]
I must ask two questions of my own, however. Do you regret becoming the Shepherd? Do you, or did you, blame me?
[They're asked kindly and gently. Lailah sends Sorey an unwavering love and care for him regardless of his answers. Even if it's painful, they need transparency with each other now more than ever.]
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Then it's a change we can work on together. However, while I'm here, I have no intention of letting you lose sight of what's important. It's extremely difficult to handle alone, especially for someone with a kind heart like yours, but I'm sure that you're well aware of that by now.
[Her tone is kind and gentle as she says that last part. Lailah then holds out the finished flower to Sorey with a cheerful expression.]
Just as I make sure you don't lose yourself, you do the same for me, too. It's not as overt, but it's being part of the lives of people like you that make my job worth everything.
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Playing at being strong isn't strength. Playing at being strong is what led him to his Fall...what led to Mikleo's death. It had come from a place of wanting to protect, wanting to save, but as pure as his motivations had been they'd been twisted by his methods. Like Cardinal Forton...like Heldalf.
He's not above them. He's no different from either of them; he was just fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who love and support him. He was fortunate enough to have Allen here, with his own powers of purification, more powerful than Sorey's self-loathing and terror.
He...had Mikleo.
Sorey turns the lotus gently in his hands before nodding firmly.]
Okay. Then...please, Lailah. I would be honored if you would once again take me on as your Shepherd. And... [He looks up at her, exhausted, expression open and vulnerable but finally, after almost two weeks of despondency, there is buried deep beneath his grief a spark of hope for the future.] I'll do everything I can to be worthy of the trust you've shown me.
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Before I go find Dezel, I'd like for you to do one thing for me.
[What she asks is going to be very hard for him, but it's also necessary.]
I trust you, Sorey, but you also need to learn to trust yourself again, too. As such, I'd like for you to call on my true name.
[Lailah has no doubt that there'll come a time when Sorey needs to armatize. In that case, he can't afford to hesitate calling on any of them. He must be able to rely on or trust at least one of them, and Lailah will be glad to take that job until he's ready for the others.]
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His memory is foggy, but he remembers. He remembers Mikleo forcing armatization to save the others, he remembers it burning and twisting before they'd split apart.
He remembers reaching for Zaveid, he remembers the look on his face as he uttered the first word of his True Name. He'd been hungry when he'd done it; starving, desperate for company, for anything to fill that crumbling void inside of him, but looking back on it now just fills him with panic and dread. Nevermind Zaveid, just thinking about saying Lailah's name and perverting her with his weakness is terrifying.]
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If you can't trust yourself, then at least trust me. You won't corrupt me.
[She's as sure of that as she is her own name.]
It's okay to feel fear, but we need to work on making sure it doesn't control your life, especially when it concerns armatization.
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He doesn't think he'll stop hearing the echoes of her screams in his head, though. The way she'd sounded when he'd ripped her fire away from her, the way he wanted to pull her into himself and devour her whole. But that's not going to go away. Those memories aren't going to simply vanish.
It doesn't stop his fingers from quaking as he traces the paper petals of the flower in his hand, searching for his courage and coming up empty. And he can feel it now; the Shepherd's pact has made its way back home like a brand on his soul and he can see the wisps of malevolence around them. The Fleet really is painted with it.]
...I trust you. I trust you. [He does. He trusts Lailah with every stitch of his being. Lailah, unwavering in her support, a pillar upon which Sorey's sure the world itself could balance, it's so strong. Mikleo's absence is still a terrible wound, raw and still bleeding, but Sorey knows that at the very least, with Lailah, his feelings are safe.]
Fethmus Mioma, [Sorey whispers, closing his eyes as the rush of warmth and power tingles all the way down to his fingers, his toes. Where they would share the power and occupy the same body, Sorey falls back and gives every last bit of control to Lailah. Just- just for a moment. Just to reassure himself, to show that he can. That he won't try to take her over. It's as much a reassurance for her as it is for him; no, it's more for him than anything. He can't simply trust himself wholly yet, not when there's so much yet to prove.]
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The fire seraph has been in Atlas's shoes before, and will likely continue to hold up the sky for others. Its weight has fractured her at times, but she's learned from those fractures just how much she can handle on her own and how much she can safely share with others in her pact. For Sorey, Lailah knows that she needs to put some of his burden back onto her until he's ready to reclaim it.
She answers his call immediately, no hesitation whatsoever. The seraph merges with his body, but she feels him handing total control over to her. Only for one second does she allow it before stepping back so that they're equal in control. No matter what, this power isn't meant for complete control from one party. Not to Lailah, at least.]
Now, then. Let's take a stroll, shall we?
[It's been a human lifetime since Lailah has armatized with Sorey. She needs to get used to the feeling a little bit. More than that, he needs some more time with it to have a reassurance that it's okay. That he's okay.]
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The metal of the ship warms as they walk slowly down the hall together, just enough enough to chase away the chill and Sorey concentrates on this feeling of sharing and reassuring himself. With armatization comes a deeper understanding; Lailah's desire to protect him, her yearning for something that has been out of her grasp for so long, a confusing jumble of things he doesn't know or understand but refuses to pry out of her.
Still, he can't miss that nostalgia. It seems like it's impossible for him to armatize without seeking to comfort. It's a bad habit, one he should break himself of as soon as possible, but...]
You're from further along, aren't you? [He doesn't ask it expecting an answer; he's getting that feeling. Her sense of loss isn't the same sharp kind as her sorrow for Mikleo, her guilt for his Fall. It's different, aged, tempered but not quite. It feels like...] Rose?
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Yet, it doesn't alleviate the guilt she still feels, though it's been fading away the past two weeks.
Lailah's quiet for a moment at Sorey's question. She's suspected that there might be a time discrepancy between everyone in the group, but now he's confirmed it with his question.]
I am. From the time I'm at, Rose had lived a full life.
[Still, the fire seraph appreciates his attempt to comfort. They're friends, and she's mourning the loss of one of their own. It's only right.]
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[More accustomed to loss, he'd said, and he feels the foolishness of his statement between them now. Lailah must have seen many of her human companions live and die this way, and others. Even if a human lives a long life, it still won't equal to more than a fraction of her own.] Lailah, you were with her at the end?
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Yes. She was comfortable, and she passed in her sleep. I was at her funeral before I arrived here.
[Needless to say, she's been on an emotional roller coaster and is glad for the peace to properly grieve. Though, despite that, Lailah still prioritizes the needs of her friends over her own. They need her strength more.]
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Armatizing with Lailah is knowing that no matter what happens, your soul is safe.]
I'm glad, [Sorey chokes out, and reaches up to rub at their eyes, embarrassed of his tears. The gratitude he'd been searching for for the past two weeks finally sparks, burns up from the inside at the news that Rose lived long and wonderfully, that she had Lailah with her at the end, that Lailah had as much time with their friend as she could have possibly managed. When he was last home those things were all so rare, so to hear Rose had them-] I'm so glad. Thank you, Lailah.
[Not just for Rose. Not just for reinstating the pact. Not just for saving everyone else, for saving him, for letting him go to Mikleo, for protecting him, for not giving up on him, for loving and trusting him when he can't love and trust himself-] Thank you so much...!
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The fire seraph envelops Sorey's soul with the warm fire found in a hearth at home. There's never a raging inferno for him. There's nothing he can do to make her want to do that to him. The hearth and home are for her Shepherds always and forever.]
Thank you, Sorey. I'm very proud of you.
[For so many reasons, even after all that's transpired here. That feeling of pride won't change, and, in time, she hopes that Sorey can feel proud of his accomplishments, too.]
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Though, there is something he'd like to touch upon while they're together like this, merged in a way that makes it easier to feel the intent behind her words. Lailah was never unclear, none of his friends ever were, but sometimes just that little big of closeness can make all the difference.]
Lailah...what did you mean by teaching me to manage my personal malevolence? [He thought there was like, a general ban on anything like that at all. The second he starts generating malevolence, it's all over, right?]
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It would be unreasonable to hold you to a standard of maintaining perfect purity for years at a time. You'll feel anger, despair, hatred, and other emotions that can feed into malevolence if left unaddressed. By finding ways to deal with persistent emotions, you're less likely to be tainted.
[Hm, an analogy may be necessary to better explain herself.]
It's like maintaining a garden. By dealing with the weeds as they crop up, you can keep your garden from being overrun or choked by them. My intent was to let you find out your own ways of coping, but there are just some weeds that can't be pulled out by your bare hands. Sometimes you need to use a shovel to help dig it out by the root.
[The fire seraph falls silent afterwards. Sorey may get a sense of failure from her. She hasn't been able to teach him how to do that, mostly because it hasn't come up before. When she speaks up again, her voice is gentle and kind:]
Even a seraph isn't immune to such feelings, as you can no doubt tell.
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[Sorey lets that stew for a bit as Lailah continues. Weeds in a garden are inevitable; there isn't a single plot of treated land out there that won't get weeds. So he shouldn't concentrate so much on preventing weeds as he should controlling them? And learning to tell them apart from the good crop, if he wants to push the analogy further.
Lailah's feelings of inadequacy drift over, unfettered but not overwhelming, and Sorey has to stop himself from the kneejerk reaction of offering reassurance.
not your fault
me it was me
don't punish yourself
too much going on
i should have asked
Some of it might reach her anyway, but at least Sorey recognizes that denying her her own sense of responsibility isn't something he should do. Instead he mulls it over, allows her wisdom and her own disappointment in herself to drive home the lesson she's trying to give him now. That would be the best way to reassure her.]
So I- I can't concentrate on abolishing those feelings entirely. I need to concentrate on rooting them out as they begin to take hold. -and asking for help when it happens.
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Exactly. Your purity is important to us, yes, but that doesn't mean you should deny the emotions you feel. They're part of you and it's okay to feel them.
[Now she sends her reassurance. No matter what, Lailah will be there if Sorey ever needs to talk.]
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So with the Cardinal and Heldalf, does that mean they denied themselves those emotions too? They were just...overwhelmed?
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The Cardinal denied that what she was doing was wrong. Her love for her country and her sense of justice overrode everything else, to a point where she willingly excused her own atrocities to make them more 'just' in her mind. As for Heldalf...that's for you to decide.
[As always, Lailah's feelings on Heldalf are closed. The only thing that leaks through is a certain sadness, almost a mix of grief and guilt. Even though it's been years....]
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Sorey walks them into the shuttle bay; there's more room here, and it's colder next to the vacuum of space so he finds a crate for them to lean against as he gently coaxes forth a few flicker of flames to dance around their fingers. Not taking from Lailah; sharing, pointedly asking wordless permission before he summons another flame. Starting small. He's still nervous, still on the edge of shoving the control back squarely into her hands but her unwavering presence helps.
He can still remember how Mikleo had reacted when he'd forced the armatization apart, how hurt he'd been, how he'd reeled. He can't do that ever again, and especially not to Lailah.]
I don't want to be that...thing, ever again, [he confesses, voice small and kept between them instead of spoken aloud. He's barely begun to unpack his feelings regarding Mikleo. He's not sure he'll ever be capable of unraveling how he feels about being a Fallen Shepherd, no matter how safe Lailah makes him feel.] I can't stand that I hurt you. That I hurt all of you. I'm supposed to be your partner.
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When he speaks again, the fire seraph listens. There's no pity. There's only understanding. Lailah doesn't know if any of the Shepherds who fell while under her guidance ever forgave her, but she's sure that they never wanted to be that which they were fighting.]
I know that, had you not been overtaken, you never would've caused any of us harm intentionally. It takes time and a lot of patience to heal these kinds of wounds.
[Unintentionally, she feels an echo of the pain of her fire being ripped from her soul, her very being. Their elements are as much a part of them as a body part. Yet, despite that, Lailah feels the urge to gently ruffle his hair with affection and she lets him sense that.]
This, too, is something that's okay to feel. What's hard is making sure it doesn't consume you. Sometimes, that may mean forcing yourself to confront it, or at least as much as you can take. But that also doesn't mean you have to do it alone. While we can't take the journey for you, you still have us for support.
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He lets himself feel that now, even though he doesn’t feel he deserves it. Her feelings aren’t any less real and true just because he has yet to forgive himself.]
…I think that might be an issue with Zaveid.
[Sorey snaps their fingers again, balancing the flame right at the tips, watching it dance and sputter.]
…I need to talk to him about this. We haven’t spoken much besides that one time I talked to him in the clinic. I think…I think he’s a lot more hurt by what happened than he’s willing to let on.
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Reach out to him, but let him come to you. I need to contact him myself soon enough.
[The seraph gives Sorey warning before she manipulates the flames into the shape of a phoenix. It flies around their hand and Lailah smiles a little.]
You'll both come back from this. Just take it one step at a time.
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...Lailah, can I ask why you offered to make the pact with me again? Is it- ["something you ask everybody," but, she probably can't answer that. He keeps it to himself.]
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Because you're still a young man fit to be the Shepherd.
[It's the simplest explanation in the world, but she elaborates on it. He deserves a full answer.]
A mistake was made somewhere, but does that make you a bad Shepherd? No, it doesn't. Do your feelings that led to your malevolence getting out of control make you a bad Shepherd? No, they don't even make you a bad person.
[She pauses for a moment.]
I must ask two questions of my own, however. Do you regret becoming the Shepherd? Do you, or did you, blame me?
[They're asked kindly and gently. Lailah sends Sorey an unwavering love and care for him regardless of his answers. Even if it's painful, they need transparency with each other now more than ever.]
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